1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.
Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13.
Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about
it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from **** and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.