AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You are inventive and imaginative, which explains your habitual lying. Because Aquarians have no sex appeal whatsoever, they are fortunate to have no sexual drive. Of course, everyone regards you as being dense, but you never notice. Your idea of fine food usually involves some form of hot dogs. Inherent dishonesty may cause problems in P.M.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Your idea that you are attractive to the opposite sex is rooted in your vivid imagination. The rest of us laugh a lot about that. Research shows there are twice as many Piscean jokes as Polish jokes, but you, of course, are not aware of that. Hair in nose presents social handicap in P.M. Good day to practice alphabet.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You are loyal, hard working, and trustworthy, which helps explain why you are a minimum wage flunky. You have no special skills not involving a broom. Most likely, you drive a used Camaro with empty Burger King sacks under the front seats. Avoid wearing swimsuit until very late P.M.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You are persistent and determined when striving for a goal, but have no clue how to achieve it. All your friends pretend not to notice your lack of intelligence–at least to your face. Research shows that if Taureans were not counted in student tests, grade point averages in this country would rise 4.5 percent. A.M. good time to quit school.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You are extraordinarily intelligent and articulate, and those around you appreciate intelligence in someone so ugly. Geminis are known to become more repulsive as they grow older; future looks bleak. You are known among co-workers as “Horse Face”. P.M. best time for plastic surgery; A.M. good time to buy breath mints wholesale.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You are conservative and against taking risks. This makes you the dullest person in your circle of friends (if you have any friends), especially considering your utter lack of ambition and/or imagination. There has never been a Cancer who has amounted to anything. Ignore your fantasy of meeting Pat Sajak in person, since he wouldn’t like you either. P.M. don’t miss Tournament of Champions on “Family Feud”.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
You are compassionate, understanding, and sympathetic; that’s why you are known among friends as a sucker. Your parents secretly gave your brothers and sisters hundreds of toys, and while you slept the rest of the family ate meat. You wore hand-me-downs even though you were the oldest child. Tomorrow P.M. check career opportunities at McDonald’s.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are clever and able to achieve notoriety; that’s why your friends regard you as a self-centered boor. You most likely have never watched a PBS program, but it you did, you didn’t understand it. If you were at all likeable, friends would pity you; as it is, no one ever thinks about you. No Virgo has ever been elected to public office. A.M. best time for sulking.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are shrewd in business matters and can usually get your way with others. That’s why everyone despises you. Closest friends enjoy having parties that are kept secret from you. Co-workers often mimic your poor posture. Even Dale Carnegie wouldn’t like you. P.M. good time to commit fraud you’ve been considering.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
You are optimistic, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Too bad you have no talent. Most Scorpios end up in prison or on welfare, and it has been documented that all Scorpios have husbands or wives who cheat. There has never been a Scorpio with a successful marriage, and all Scorpios have less-than-average children. P.M. best time to spy on spouse.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
You are artistic and imaginative, but that stems from your warped view of reality. Very few people admit to being a Sagittarian, but the rest of us know who you are because all Sagittarians are left-handed. If you are not left-handed, your mother has lied to you about your birthdate as part of a cover-up. A.M. good time to search for real father.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
Capricorns can often be trained to be fairly good bus drivers and reasonably successful shoe sales clerks, but they cannot be taught to succeed at personal relationships. You probably have no social plans for the weekend anyway, but if so, they will result in disaster. It is unfortunate that Capricorns have no sex appeal to go along with their inordinately powerful sex drive. P.M. good time to rent videos.